I have a friend who held no secret from me. I know his failures, successes, fears and aspirations. One of those secrets is a dream that keeps recurring every now and then.
The scene is always the same, a young couple in a room, the girl talking sweetly to the boy while all he does was look at her. The boy tried to talk but no word came out. The girl suddenly fades away. He was alarmed, looked everywhere but can’t find her and then he wakes up. It’s always like that, every time he has that particular dream.
The Girl in His Dream
She was a member of their university school newspaper. In fact both of them are. The first time they met, he felt something for her. He got lots of crushes but this one is different, she was his first love.
As months passed by, they became close and he even entertained the idea that there was an unspoken agreement between them. He assumed too much. When he found out that another guy became her boyfriend, he was devastated. He forfeits his newspaper scholarship, avoids the girl completely and concentrated on his study.
25 Years Later
I think he did well. He finished his studies, got a good-paying job and a happy family. Two lessons he learned from that experience… courage and perseverance. Courage to face the odds even when apprehension drenched his body in cold sweat and firmness to resolved problems at hand to its end. In other words, he learned not to be a quitter.
Looking From Afar
I read somewhere that dreams are subconscious’ abstract manifestation of real life experience. Some psychologists believe it can be “read” or interpreted. In my amateurish way, I think a tug-of-war was raging between his heart and brain. I can only think of two reasons why he didn’t express his feelings towards her. Maybe his too young to face his fear of rejection, afraid she might turn him down, and the reason why his “katorpehan” overcome him. It might also be his ambition of finishing his studies and getting a degree that drove him to suppress his emotional wants.
But it doesn’t really matter now how we dissect it. It happened in the past and it can’t be undone. Sometimes he thinks of what might have happened if it was the other way around. What if he told her he loves her, regardless if it ends up in rejection or acceptance? What if he pursued her and married her? Will it end up the way he is now? Too many “what ifs”, too many unanswered questions.
How he wished he could go back in the past and correct his mistakes, just like in that movie, “Somewhere in Time”. Perhaps by telling his story, he hopes in some way his nightmares will be reined. But I doubt it if he’ll find closure when sometimes he feels… regrets.