Saturday, November 26, 2011

On Marriage

Foreword: Just in case my wife reads this; all anecdotes I told were work of fiction. Any similarity to people’s lives, both living and dead, was unintentional and purely coincidental. – BlogusVox

The Shrew
I love my wife and that’s my first mistake. But it’s not too late for you would-be-husbands out there. If you’re in love with your woman from head to toe – DON’T tell her you’ll love her till the end of infinity. The moment she knows, she’ll take advantage of you and exploit that weakness!

When we were younger, my wife’s “national pastime” was to irritate me to the max that I sometimes contemplate the idea of sending her back to her family. The only thing holding me back was the image of my departed father-in-law which keeps flashing in my mind. When my parents and I went to their residence to ask for my wife’s hand, her father wore this enigmatic half-grateful, half-relieved face. Later do I understood that his telling me in a subtly way – you asked for it, you got it. NO RETURN, NO EXCHANGE!

Wonder Woman
I believed my wife got “superpowers”. When I did something not to her liking, she simply looks at me and an invisible beam comes out of her eyes. It engulfed me, leaving me frozen - stone cold. The weird thing is it affects me but my daughter is immune to it. This leads me to suspect, maybe Bea got superpowers too. It’s not easy living among “X-men”.

I Don’t Have ESP
My wife got this nasty habit of leaving her sentences hanging on air. She’ll say something like: “Kunin mo nga yan…” (not looking but pointing her finger in space) or “Dalhin mo nga ang ano sa kwan…” But what really gets my goat is when she opens a conversation and in mid-sentence expects me to continue, like:

Wife: Totoo ba yung nangyari?
Me   : Nang ano?
Wife : Dun sa kumpare mo nung nakaraang linggo.
Me   : Anong nangyari kay Pare?
Wife: Ano ka ba! Kumpare mo yan, ikaw dapat ang nakaka-alam!

I’m a trained engineer. I deal with details and specifics. I’m not clairvoyant! I DON’T READ MINDS! Tell me what you want in a sentence that contains a subject and a predicate and I’ll comply!

When the conversation comes to this point, she’ll just look at me innocently and smiles knowingly, as if expecting this kind of reaction from someone “crazy”. And it’s true. That kind of “look” really drives me nuts! 

Read Between the Lines
When you received a text message or email from your wife that goes something like:

“Hon, if you’re not busy and you got time, please pass by the supermarket and buy the following…”

Remember, how ever polite and solicitous this maybe, it is NOT A REQUEST. It’s an ORDER! Discard whatever you previously planned and set this as your TOP PRIORITY. Prepare a valid reason if you miss one item from her list if you don’t want to be ZAP by her “laser-eye”.  

When shopping for something and she says: “Hon, anong gusto mo? Ito?”

She’s not asking your opinion. She already decided what to buy and all she wants is you concur. But be careful; don’t give your “nod” all the time. Find a way to distance yourself if things get “critical”. Let her decide alone because the moment something goes wrong with the merchandise - its YOUR FAULT, because YOU CHOOSE IT!

Marriage is teamwork. In order for it to work, both of you should have a “say” on any decision you both make. That means, when she “suggests” you “agree”.

Now that you know the difference between the sexes and you got your “pointers”, go out there and make her happy!

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Conversation with Bea (Part 2)

The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop. – Mark Twain

Observant and sometimes a critique, she’ll ask me things that may seems odd to her. Last Ramadan, during Eid, we were sitting on a bench inside a mall while waiting for her mother who was busy looking for “sales”. A South Asian family passed by dressed in all their “fineries” and Bea whispered to me, pointing with her lips at a girl about her age.

Bea: Daddy, why is she dressed like that?
Me : Maybe she’s a princess and she’s going to a dance.
Bea: No. She’s a fairy without wings. Hinde pa Halloween, di ba, Daddy?

Without trying, she can embarrass you in public. An Arab lady passed by and Bea exclaimed:

Bea: Look Daddy oh, she draw “pencils” on her hand.
Me : That’s a henna hand decoration, anak.
Bea: She better wash hand. It’s DIRTY!

You should read between the lines when talking to Bea. A couple of weeks ago I caught her picking her nose while we’re watching TV.

Me : What are you doing?
Bea: Nothing.
Me : Are you eating “kulangot”?
Bea: (Indignantly) NO… I’m making a ball!

Once we’re looking for our friend’s flat and all I got was a sketched map for direction. We’re going in circle and we were again on a fork road we passed by earlier when Bea happened to read a street sign:

Bea: Daddy look! Maather Street! Turn left!
Me : Ay, oo nga. Sorry, anak, I didn’t see the sign kasi.
Bea: Buti na lang I’m here, kung hindi, we’re lost again.

I can’t figure out if it’s a jest or sympathy because with her lopped-sided smile she added: “Don’t worry Daddy. When I’m big, I’ll buy you glasses.”

Her mother always makes it a point Bea prays before she goes to sleep. Mommy taught her how to pray but she doesn’t like it. It’s lengthy because it includes “Our Father” and “Hail Mary” which she hates to memorize. So she makes her own “version” which varies from time to time. It goes something like this:

In the name of the Father and the Mother and the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.
Papa God,
Please help my Daddy to be strong all the time.
Please help my Daddy in his driving so he won’t always say “gago”.
Please help me in my studies and in my test in the morning and in the afternoon so Mommy is always happy.
Please help Mommy clean the kitchen and wash our clothes and also help Mommy in her cooking.
Thank you.
Goodnight Papa God, goodnight Mama Mary and to my Dear Guardian Angel.